I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
