Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
