This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
