I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
