every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
