just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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