when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
