I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
