I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My balls are so social today.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
