1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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