I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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