I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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