I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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