Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
