i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
