You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
