your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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