maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
