Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
