Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
