my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
