saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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