I feel like abortions should bother me more
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize