At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
