you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
