Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
