can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm really busy with my period
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