What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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