I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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