I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize