i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
