ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
