just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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