Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
