News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
