But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
