it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
