tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
