what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
