I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
