Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
