We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I AM VODKA MAN
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize