I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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