so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
