Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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