my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
