Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
