Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
