Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
