I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
