You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
that's an acceptable place to lick
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
