this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
