see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
