Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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