So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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