You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize