I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
