No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize