Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
