Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you inspire me to be a worse person
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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