I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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