his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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