doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
