Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
