I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Two words: blizzard sex
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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